Why I’m Not Sorry for Saying Sorry: Women in Leadership
Something stood out at a Women in Leadership summit focused on Power. The host commented whenever participants said “sorry,” followed by a finger wag and a comment about how apologizing diminishes our power as women. While I understand the sentiment, I respectfully disagree. There’s something deeper here, something that calls for unpacking cultural nuance rather than a gendered judgment.
Having lived in Thailand, I am reminded of the concept of the “land of a thousand smiles,” where a smile doesn’t always signify joy or friendliness. For example, the smiles; Yim mai awk / ยิ้มไม่ออก can mean a concealment of difficult emotions, or Yim sao / ยิ้มเศร้า a smile of sadness, or Yim taak thaai / ยิ้มทักทาย a polite smile (Wallace n.d.). This is culturally significant to Thailand, and although we may not understand it, we shouldn’t dismiss it. So why, when it comes to the cultural norm of apologizing, do we disregard this same principle?
Growing up in western Canada, I was raised in a culture where apologizing is a part of our daily lives. If two people bump into each other at a supermarket, both will apologize. It’s not a sign of weakness but a cultural acknowledgment — an expression of “I recognize I have taken up space and may have inconvenienced you.” I tested this with another Canadian at the summit who was born in the East, from the opposite end of Canada. I asked, “If someone bumped into you and it wasn’t your fault, what would you say?” Without hesitation, she said, “Sorry”. This cross-Canada unspoken yet understood cultural norm underpins something inherently Canadian in a vast, multilingual, multicultural society.
In fact, the Apology Act was introduced in 2009 to give lawyers a fair chance to defend Canadian clients who were never guilty but apologized to the defendant (Government of Ontario, 2009; Keeler, 2017). Our sorrys are linked to our uncomfortable responsibility to the First Peoples, our history of internment camps, and our British and French influences; they reflect our deep desire to be distinctly non-American (Pegoraro, 2010). Our Ministers apologize publicly as steps towards reconciliation (The Canadian Press 2024). Sometimes, “sorry” can express annoyance, regret, or even anger; much like the Thai smile, it can carry different meanings. Sorrys are a complicated reflex, yes, but also a cultural nuance specific to our sense of belonging in time and place.
Still, as an international educator, woman, and leader, I’ve been told many times, “You say sorry too much,” “Stuff your sorrys in a sack,” or “You give away your power by apologizing.” This, to me, illustrates a significant difference in how we view power. The Western ideology of power, rooted in individuality, hardness, and the refusal to apologize, often feels like an exclusively American lens.
As fourth-wave feminists and women in leadership, we embrace the complexity of intersectionality (Crenshaw, 1991). I see women’s power as multifaceted, shaped by the intersectionality of culture, self, and context. To fully embrace intersectionality, as feminists and as leaders, I don’t have to be a version of you to be a better version of myself. As a woman in leadership, I recognize that my Canadian upbringing and its norms of apology do not make me less powerful. Rather, they are part of my identity. And I will never assume that one cultural belief system is key to unlocking every woman’s potential. Power, like leadership, is complex, and I honor that complexity.
And yes, I’m sorry if that makes you uncomfortable.
References and Further Reading:
Crenshaw, K. (1991). Mapping the Margins: Intersectionality, Identity Politics, and Violence Against Women of Color. Stanford Law Review, 43(6), 1241–1299.
Government of Ontario. (2009). Apology Act, 2009, S.O. 2009, c. 3. Ontario.ca. https://www.ontario.ca/laws/statute/09a03
Keeler, E. (2017, January 19). Sorry — Can we talk about why Canadians apologize so much? CBC News. https://www.cbc.ca/2017/sorry-can-we-talk-about-why-canadians-apologize-so-much-1.3939997
National Women’s History Museum. (2021, December 3). Feminism: The fourth wave. https://www.womenshistory.org/exhibits/feminism-fourth-wave
Pegoraro, A. (2010). “Apologies in Canadian Culture: A Cultural Code.” Journal of Canadian Studies, 44(3), 25–39.
Wallace, J. (n.d.). Why is Thailand called “The Land of Smiles?” Quora. https://www.quora.com/Why-is-Thailand-called-The-Land-of-Smiles-1
